Re-reading my last post, I began to see more and more of how whiney I was. What was wrong with me?
Actually, nothing was wrong it just must've been a low point in my week for me. I also believe that I was little bit jealous.
There is nothing to be jealous about. If I want a change, then I need to be the one to initate the change. I can not just wait around for someone to hold my hand and tell me where to go, what to do and how to do it.
I could easily put the blame on my husband. Saying that he makes all the decisions, he pays the bills, he takes care of everything. He even drives everywhere because I don't have a license. But the blame isn't even half his, in fact the his blame is very minscule.
I don't have my license for a number of reasons, the main one? I'm scared to have it, I see the damages the destruction and chaos that ensues from drivers on the road. So while I yearn for the freedom of a license and the ability to come and go at will, I am also relieved that I don't have to do battle on the roads.
But, the time has come for me to stop being a little whiney baby and to develop into a mature responsible adult. I mean really? I am a mom to a wonderful 1 year old, and I can't legally drive? Enough! In 2 weeks if everything goes according to plan then I will get my permit re-instated and begin practicing and in about another month I will hopefull be fully licensed.
No more being babysat, no more being reliant on someone else to get somewhere. It is time to grow up. One step of many to come.
Oh and on Sunday, (if I see the person) I'm going to ask Crunchy's mentor to ask his wife to be mine. If I don't see him on Sunday for some reason, I will ask him on Tuesday! Changes are coming, and they are going to wonderfully FABULOUS!
"When you have to make a choice and don't make it; that is in itself a choice." ~William James.
A perfect quote for how my life has been up until now. From now on I will be consiously making a choice.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Where is my niche?
Today was a busy day! But every Tuesday is going to be for awhile! Bible study is so much fun! I LOVE learning God's word, it makes me feel closer to him! As a born again christian I am still flabbergasted at the price Jesus paid for MY sins. I can not believe someone did something so selfless. I could go on forever but then I would never get to sleep.
My husband, Crunchy, he has never been believed in Jesus or religion for that matter. However, through the power of prayer and the Grace of God he has seen the light and recently got baptized. On that day a man told one of our pastors that he wanted to reach out and help my husband since he was a new believer. What an amazing thing for him to say and do! My husband talked over the phone with him a few times then today while I was at bible study Crunchy met up with him at the church and they talked and my husband offered to help in anyway he can. Now he is going to be coming with me every Tuesday to do some volunteer work at the church. I am so happy for him in the aspect that he is taking steps to be more involved. But I can't help but feel that I still haven't found my little niche.
Yes, I go to a women's bible study, Yes I meet and talk to all kinds of wonderful women. But I didnt really have anyone reach out to me and offer to take me under their wing to answer any questions to help me find my footing so to speak. Granted, I didnt really think I needed someone, but I actually do. I feel like an outsider looking in most of the time, except during the actual bible study. I've realized that besides God, I desperately need more friends and an outlet to pour some energy into, to do something anything in the Church body, in the name of the church... etc. You get the picture. I hear that small groups are a wonderful place to begin doing just that.
But, while I want these things and I yearn for them. I am a coward at heart about meeting new people. Especially ones that have known the Lord so much longer than me and feel so at home with who they are. Standing next to these amazing people I feel kind of like a fraud. Like I don't know what I am doing there. I don't belong. And it has nothing to do how the people are acting or talking to me. In all honesty I think it's Satan attempting to get me to turn my back again. Placing doubts in my head, and heart. I know that I am NOT a fraud, that I LOVE the LORD and that I am blessed and saved by his Grace and his grace alone. I did nothing to warrant the blessings and love that God has placed on me. I am a sinner. These things I know. I also know that to OBEY the Lord is to WORSHIP HIM. I will be obedient to the Lord.
I may not have found my niche just yet at church, but I have found a family in Christ.
My husband, Crunchy, he has never been believed in Jesus or religion for that matter. However, through the power of prayer and the Grace of God he has seen the light and recently got baptized. On that day a man told one of our pastors that he wanted to reach out and help my husband since he was a new believer. What an amazing thing for him to say and do! My husband talked over the phone with him a few times then today while I was at bible study Crunchy met up with him at the church and they talked and my husband offered to help in anyway he can. Now he is going to be coming with me every Tuesday to do some volunteer work at the church. I am so happy for him in the aspect that he is taking steps to be more involved. But I can't help but feel that I still haven't found my little niche.
Yes, I go to a women's bible study, Yes I meet and talk to all kinds of wonderful women. But I didnt really have anyone reach out to me and offer to take me under their wing to answer any questions to help me find my footing so to speak. Granted, I didnt really think I needed someone, but I actually do. I feel like an outsider looking in most of the time, except during the actual bible study. I've realized that besides God, I desperately need more friends and an outlet to pour some energy into, to do something anything in the Church body, in the name of the church... etc. You get the picture. I hear that small groups are a wonderful place to begin doing just that.
But, while I want these things and I yearn for them. I am a coward at heart about meeting new people. Especially ones that have known the Lord so much longer than me and feel so at home with who they are. Standing next to these amazing people I feel kind of like a fraud. Like I don't know what I am doing there. I don't belong. And it has nothing to do how the people are acting or talking to me. In all honesty I think it's Satan attempting to get me to turn my back again. Placing doubts in my head, and heart. I know that I am NOT a fraud, that I LOVE the LORD and that I am blessed and saved by his Grace and his grace alone. I did nothing to warrant the blessings and love that God has placed on me. I am a sinner. These things I know. I also know that to OBEY the Lord is to WORSHIP HIM. I will be obedient to the Lord.
I may not have found my niche just yet at church, but I have found a family in Christ.
Monday, October 3, 2011
To Africa With Love Update 3
Well... I heard back from the lady in charge with adopting little Caleb. Unfortunately they don't do international adoptions. Which I was prepared to hear... It still broke my heart. But there is a silver lining! I am still going to send the medi center that is helping him some diapers that P(my son) out grew before we could use them and also some clothes and blankets. It's not much but it's what I can do. I will continue to pray for Caleb; the little boy that stole my heart without even meeting him. I give thanks to God for opening my heart to Caleb and his fight. In doing so I believe he started a fire that has the potential to become a fire storm in me to help all abused, neglected, unwanted and unloved children. My grandma said this to me "even the smallest steps may have the biggest impact, you never know where the little steps will lead you." What a wise and wonderful woman she is. How do you change the world? A Random Kindness. Now I just need to begin my search and inquiry into the field of child abuse and how I can help.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
To Africa With Love Update 2
Well, today after our AMAZING church service I talked to my wonderful husband...(hmm I really need to get a better nickname for him... we'll call him Mr. Crunchy or Crunchy for short.) about Caleb Hope, I asked him if he thought about adopting him. He told me that he thought about it and that if we were able to that he is behind it 100%. I can not even begin to tell you the feeling of elation that ran through me. I could hardly wait to get to the computer today and email the lady that can answer all of our questions. I have to confess that I am kind of nervous.
I talked to our pastor's wife about international adoption and she offered to help us out, to make sure we don't get scammed. That is totally awesome of her! I have so many questions to ask people! : D Also at Crunchy's work there is a lady that recently adopted 2 russian girls. She informed us that the last she knew was that Africa didn't adopt out to the USA. That bit of news kind of disheartened me. But then I prayed to God and asked for him to give me the courage, strength and determination to see this to the end. If it is His will for me to adopt this baby then He will open a window for us to do it.
I keep praying for Caleb. The latest news is that he has a whole body infection due to the area that he was found in and having his umbilical cord still attached which allowed germs to flow freely into his body. He is on antibiotics and this could cause some complications when he grows up. Prayers to him always! He is already a part of my family in my heart and eyes. Even if he isn't placed with me I will always consider him a son.
This song says it all:
KISSES IN THE WIND (The Waiting Child's Lullabye)
I hold you in my heart and touch you in my dreams.
You are here each day with me, at least that's how it seems.
I know you wonder where we are... what's taking us so long.
But remember child, I love you so and God will keep you strong.
Now go outside and feel the breeze and let it touch your skin...
Because tonight, just as always, I blow you kisses in the wind.
May God hold you in His hand until I can be with you.
I promise you, my darling, I'm doing all that I can do.
Very soon, you'll have a family for real, not just pretend.
But for tonight, just as always, I blow you kisses in the wind.
May God wrap you in His arms and hold you very tight.
And let the angels bring the kisses that I send to you each night.
--- © Pamela Durkota, written for Josh
I talked to our pastor's wife about international adoption and she offered to help us out, to make sure we don't get scammed. That is totally awesome of her! I have so many questions to ask people! : D Also at Crunchy's work there is a lady that recently adopted 2 russian girls. She informed us that the last she knew was that Africa didn't adopt out to the USA. That bit of news kind of disheartened me. But then I prayed to God and asked for him to give me the courage, strength and determination to see this to the end. If it is His will for me to adopt this baby then He will open a window for us to do it.
I keep praying for Caleb. The latest news is that he has a whole body infection due to the area that he was found in and having his umbilical cord still attached which allowed germs to flow freely into his body. He is on antibiotics and this could cause some complications when he grows up. Prayers to him always! He is already a part of my family in my heart and eyes. Even if he isn't placed with me I will always consider him a son.
This song says it all:
KISSES IN THE WIND (The Waiting Child's Lullabye)
I hold you in my heart and touch you in my dreams.
You are here each day with me, at least that's how it seems.
I know you wonder where we are... what's taking us so long.
But remember child, I love you so and God will keep you strong.
Now go outside and feel the breeze and let it touch your skin...
Because tonight, just as always, I blow you kisses in the wind.
May God hold you in His hand until I can be with you.
I promise you, my darling, I'm doing all that I can do.
Very soon, you'll have a family for real, not just pretend.
But for tonight, just as always, I blow you kisses in the wind.
May God wrap you in His arms and hold you very tight.
And let the angels bring the kisses that I send to you each night.
--- © Pamela Durkota, written for Josh
Saturday, October 1, 2011
To Africa With Love Update
I heard back from the hospital that is taking care of Caleb. He is stable but is still very ill. He is currently in the Pediatric ICU. While I'm happy that he is stable I am still worried that he is ill. I havet to ask myself if this is normal to feel so attached to a baby that I haven't met, but love is love. There are no parameters that can define or contain love. I wish so bad that I could hold the little guy! I am sure that he is getting a lot of attention.
In addition to hearing from the hosptial they gave me another person to get into contact with to figure out how we can help Caleb. I sent the e-mail today I hope I don't have to wait too long to hear back from her. The burning in my heart is still there and the tears are still brimming in my eyes. I want to help him so bad. I am well on my way to doing just that. I just have to keep praying and doing God's will. I know that with God and Faith all things are possible.
In addition to hearing from the hosptial they gave me another person to get into contact with to figure out how we can help Caleb. I sent the e-mail today I hope I don't have to wait too long to hear back from her. The burning in my heart is still there and the tears are still brimming in my eyes. I want to help him so bad. I am well on my way to doing just that. I just have to keep praying and doing God's will. I know that with God and Faith all things are possible.
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