A reflection....

Well, I did it. I have officially made the start to 'starting' my own 'business'. While I don't have to build the whole company from the ground up, I do get to have a sense of how hard that would be by trying to build my circle of clients up.

Sometimes I feel like I am pressuring too hard on some people. I worry about that too much I think. But I can't say I gave my all if all I did was sit on my tookus and expected everything to fall into my lap.

No, This is my new start to be more responisble and more grown up. I have to put my all in to it. I thank God for the opportunity to be my own boss. Everything I am able to do is because of his Grace. I do not pray to him selfishly that I will succeed. I pray that I am on the path that pleases him for me to be, and if I am not, I ask him for directions to get back on track.

I used to live my life very selfishly and self-centered. I am desperately trying to change that. Already I have seen improvement. I wake up every morning thankful get to see another glorious day that God made for me. I have more patience and a higher tolerance for those that are rude to me. I have A LOOOOONNNNGGGG! Way to go before the Good Lord is done with me. But I relish each trial he puts before me because it is in those moments that I KNOW he is with me. If he wasn't then how would I ever have gotten out of those exhausting and trying trials.

THANK YOU JESUS FOR EXEMPTING ME FROM THE LAW! I AM HUMBLED TO BE A CHOSEN CHILD OF YOURS!

Thank you to all of those that have/will support me in this new chapter in my life and walk in faith!

One small step.....

Re-reading my last post, I began to see more and more of how whiney I was. What was wrong with me?
Actually, nothing was wrong it just must've been a low point in my week for me. I also believe that I was little bit jealous.

There is nothing to be jealous about. If I want a change, then I need to be the one to initate the change. I can not just wait around for someone to hold my hand and tell me where to go, what to do and how to do it.

I could easily put the blame on my husband. Saying that he makes all the decisions, he pays the bills, he takes care of everything. He even drives everywhere because I don't have a license. But the blame isn't even half his, in fact the his blame is very minscule.

I don't have my license for a number of reasons, the main one? I'm scared to have it, I see the damages the destruction and chaos that ensues from drivers on the road. So while I yearn for the freedom of a license and the ability to come and go at will, I am also relieved that I don't have to do battle on the roads.

But, the time has come for me to stop being a little whiney baby and to develop into a mature responsible adult. I mean really? I am a mom to a wonderful 1 year old, and I can't legally drive? Enough! In 2 weeks if everything goes according to plan then I will get my permit re-instated and begin practicing and in about another month I will hopefull be fully licensed.

No more being babysat, no more being reliant on someone else to get somewhere. It is time to grow up. One step of many to come.

Oh and on Sunday, (if I see the person) I'm going to ask Crunchy's mentor to ask his wife to be mine. If I don't see him on Sunday for some reason, I will ask him on Tuesday! Changes are coming, and they are going to wonderfully FABULOUS!

"When you have to make a choice and don't make it; that is in itself a choice." ~William James.

A perfect quote for how my life has been up until now. From now on I will be consiously making a choice.

Where is my niche?

Today was a busy day! But every Tuesday is going to be for awhile! Bible study is so much fun! I LOVE learning God's word, it makes me feel closer to him! As a born again christian I am still flabbergasted at the price Jesus paid for MY sins. I can not believe someone did something so selfless. I could go on forever but then I would never get to sleep.

My husband, Crunchy, he has never been believed in Jesus or religion for that matter. However, through the power of prayer and the Grace of God he has seen the light and recently got baptized. On that day a man told one of our pastors that he wanted to reach out and help my husband since he was a new believer. What an amazing thing for him to say and do! My husband talked over the phone with him a few times then today while I was at bible study Crunchy met up with him at the church and they talked and my husband offered to help in anyway he can. Now he is going to be coming with me every Tuesday to do some volunteer work at the church. I am so happy for him in the aspect that he is taking steps to be more involved. But I can't help but feel that I still haven't found my little niche.

Yes, I go to a women's bible study, Yes I meet and talk to all kinds of wonderful women. But I didnt really have anyone reach out to me and offer to take me under their wing to answer any questions to help me find my footing so to speak. Granted, I didnt really think I needed someone, but I actually do.  I feel like an outsider looking in most of the time, except during the actual bible study. I've realized that besides God, I desperately need more friends and an outlet to pour some energy into, to do something anything in the Church body, in the name of the church... etc. You get the picture. I hear that small groups are a wonderful place to begin doing just that.

But, while I want these things and I yearn for them. I am a coward at heart about meeting new people. Especially ones that have known the Lord so much longer than me and feel so at home with who they are. Standing next to these amazing people I feel kind of like a fraud. Like I don't know what I am doing there. I don't belong. And it has nothing to do how the people are acting or talking to me. In all honesty I think it's Satan attempting to get me to turn my back again. Placing doubts in my head, and heart.  I know that I am NOT a fraud, that I LOVE the LORD and that I am blessed and saved by his Grace and his grace alone. I did nothing to warrant the blessings and love that God has placed on me. I am a sinner. These things I know. I also know that to OBEY the Lord is  to WORSHIP HIM. I will be obedient to the Lord.

I may not have found my niche just yet at church, but I have found a family in Christ.

To Africa With Love Update 3

Well... I heard back from the lady in charge with adopting little Caleb. Unfortunately they don't do international adoptions. Which I was prepared to hear... It still broke my heart. But there is a silver lining! I am still going to send the medi center that is helping him some diapers that P(my son) out grew before we could use them and also some clothes and blankets. It's not much but it's what I can do. I will continue to pray for Caleb; the little boy that stole my heart without even meeting him. I give thanks to God for opening my heart to Caleb and his fight. In doing so I believe he started a fire that has the potential to become a fire storm in me to help all abused, neglected, unwanted and unloved children. My grandma said this to me "even the smallest steps may have the biggest impact, you never know where the little steps will lead you." What a wise and wonderful woman she is. How do you change the world? A Random Kindness. Now I just need to begin my search and inquiry into the field of child abuse and how I can help.

To Africa With Love Update 2

Well, today after our AMAZING church service  I talked to my wonderful husband...(hmm I really need to get a better nickname for him... we'll call him Mr. Crunchy or Crunchy for short.) about Caleb Hope, I asked him if he thought about adopting him. He told me that he thought about it and that if we were able to that he is behind it 100%. I can not even begin to tell you the feeling of elation that ran through me. I could hardly wait to get to the computer today and email the lady that can answer all of our questions. I have to confess that I am kind of nervous.

I talked to our pastor's wife about international adoption and she offered to help us out, to make sure we don't get scammed. That is totally awesome of her! I have so many questions to ask people! : D Also at Crunchy's work there is a lady that recently adopted 2 russian girls. She informed us that the last she knew was that Africa didn't adopt out to the USA. That bit of news kind of disheartened me. But then I prayed to God and asked for him to give me the courage, strength and determination to see this to the end. If it is His will for me to adopt this baby then He will open a window for us to do it.

I keep praying for Caleb. The latest news is that he has a whole body infection due to the area that he was found in and having his umbilical cord still attached which allowed germs to flow freely into his body. He is on antibiotics and this could cause some complications when he grows up. Prayers to him always! He is already a part of my family in my heart and eyes. Even if he isn't placed with me I will always consider him a son. 

This song says it all:

KISSES IN THE WIND    (The Waiting Child's Lullabye)

I hold you in my heart and touch you in my dreams.
You are here each day with me, at least that's how it seems.

I know you wonder where we are... what's taking us so long.
But remember child, I love you so and God will keep you strong.

Now go outside and feel the breeze and let it touch your skin...
Because tonight, just as always, I blow you kisses in the wind.

May God hold you in His hand until I can be with you.
I promise you, my darling, I'm doing all that I can do.

Very soon, you'll have a family for real, not just pretend.
But for tonight, just as always, I blow you kisses in the wind.

May God wrap you in His arms and hold you very tight.
And let the angels bring the kisses that I send to you each night.

--- © Pamela Durkota, written for Josh

To Africa With Love Update

I heard back from the hospital that is taking care of Caleb. He is stable but is still very ill. He is currently in the Pediatric ICU. While I'm happy that he is stable I am still worried that he is ill. I havet to ask myself if this is normal to feel so attached to a baby that I haven't met, but love is love. There are no parameters that can define or contain love. I wish so bad that I could hold the little guy! I am sure that he is getting a lot of attention.

In addition to hearing from the hosptial they gave me another person to get into contact with to figure out how we can help Caleb. I sent the e-mail today I hope I don't have to wait too long to hear back from her. The burning in my heart is still there and the tears are still brimming in my eyes. I want to help him so bad. I am well on my way to doing just that. I just have to keep praying and doing God's will. I know that with God and Faith all things are possible.

To Africa With Love

Today I sent an email to the hospital in Africa that is taking care of Caleb Hope. I asked if there was anything we could do to help this precious little life. I am desperately praying that there is something my family and I can do. Even if it's sending diapers or little care packages. I want to be there for this little guy! I feel like this is something God is calling me to do. I have took a small step today in attempting to help. If the email doesn't work I may just have to send a care package anyways. My son has outgrown his baby clothes and I still have newborn diapers. With God all things are possible, Amen. I have this burning in my heart to help Caleb. I talked to my husband last night, he was a bit distracted. But I know that the story touched his heart. We will see what the next couple days brings us.

Why?

Saw this today and had to share it with a few thoughts and words about it.

Little baby Caleb Hope  that was thrown in the rubbish bin for ants to eat. According to Sowetan A newborn baby boy found wrapped in a blanket at a rubbish dump near an informal settlement in Bloemfontein is doing well in hospital. Bloemfontein Medi-Clinic spokeswoman Amanda Appelgryn said the child, named Caleb Hope, was in good condition and breathing on his own. “He was on antibiotics due to the environment he was found in.”    Workers at an informal rubbish dump near the JB Mafora settlement discovered the baby on Saturday afternoon and phoned emergency services.ER24 paramedics found the baby boy with the umbilical cord still attached to the placenta. He was hypothermic and struggled to breathe. Appelgryn said the baby had bite marks on his skin from ants while he was lying at the dump.


Words can not express how much this pains me to see and hear about. How could someone not want such  a precious gift from God? This baby did nothing to warrant the treatment he recieved. My heart broke into a million pieces after reading this. I couldnt stop crying it took me 20 minutes to get myself under control. I prayed to God to be with this beautiful baby.  I can't stop thinking about this poor baby. My mother instinct tells me to contact the people in Africa and tell them that I will take the baby. I will love him and protect him. I keep praying to God about this baby. My heart is telling me to try and help this baby. Must discuss with my wonderful husband. If I can't adopt this precious gift then I WILL find a way to help him. With God's will and his unfailing grace I am going to do my best to help this little guy have a happier life than how he started out.

A note for mama!

Inspiration comes in many forms for many different people.  The one that inspires me is none other than my own flesh and blood; my mother. She has always been there for me. Even at the times I wish she wasn’t.  She has been through so much in her life, 2 marriages, 2 divorces and another failed relationship of 8 long years.  However, no matter how hard her life was she valiantly tried to never let it show how the strain affected her, but how keen the eyes and psyche of a child are.

We saw the drain on her when her marriages dissolved like sugar in water. We felt her pain when her relationship, to the man she thought was her soul mate, went up in a torrential fire storm.  Through it all she tried to shield us. Even when we hurled insults at her and shunned her she continued to bear the burden of caring for two young kids as a single parent.  She fought through all of her pain and angst, to ensure that we were provided for.  Years later I learned the reason why she remarried the second time; she did it to give my brother and I the stability she thought we needed and that she couldn’t provide by herself. What she didn’t realize was that we just needed her.  While our life was never easy, my brother and I never did without.

Now, a mother myself, I realize it’s because she sacrificed so much to give us what we needed.  She inspires me to follow my dreams and become whatever I want regardless of the obstacles. She inspired me to be the best mommy I can be to my son. One thing I am definitely sure of? If I can be a quarter of the mom she was to me and my brother; I have nothing to worry about. 

While she forgets her own self worth, her kids will never have any doubt what she is worth. In the eyes of her kids she is the epitome of perfection. Mark Twain said, “My mother had a slender, small body, but a large heart - a heart so large that everybody's joys found welcome in it, and hospitable accommodation."-a better description of my own mom could not be found. She is my best friend, my muse; my mom. She is our rock; her heart is our home